There are things in this life that I will not come to understand before I die. Quantum physics... Human Spontaneous Combustion... Whitney Houston's fall from glory... Conversations with Anna Nicole Smith... THESE THINGS I can and have accepted.
But HOW IN THE WORLD a grown *blank* man can create a child and not find out until the child is 10 years old, is NOT one of them.
Yes people, there is a plague sweeping the great plains of our nation... wiping out the bank accounts of (would-be) superstar athletes and R&B crooners alike... a disease so potent and fatal, that it threatens to extinguish the species of "eligible black bachelor" as we know it. That threat is the "maybe baby."
As a successfully independent, 27-year old CHILDLESS woman, it really is beyond me HOW such a strain of disease could come to be soooooo... common! I mean, I look at my accomplishments and my values... hell and even if I didn't have time for that and simply look in the mirror, I would see what I believe most people see... an attractive "got-her-ish-together" woman whose done a great job at maintaining her marketability. And perhaps I'm biased because I'm talking about self, so let me put "self" on the shelf and take a look around me. Within the handful of friendships that I have with my female counterparts, I see similary qualities. Young women with goals and ambitions, independence and values... 80% of that handful are childless. Now clearly, all of us arent practicing abstinence (though I do practice on Sundays and every other Thursday), so it goes without saying that sex is being "had". But what I'm NOT really understanding about this whole situation is...
HOW IN THE HECK a guy can lay up with a woman without protection... A woman whom he is NOT in a committed (or long-term) relationship with... bust a move on her as if he DOESNT KNOW (yeah right)... only to find out months or years later that in the last :32 seconds of Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love To You", that he furtilized an egg... that ish is beyond me.
First of all, WHO DOES THIS? No wait, I know who "does this"... my beautiful black MEN "does this"... Sadly, its more of the ones that ought to KNOW BETTER, that "does this" the most! Why and HOW can you seemingly successful men take that risk... the risk of not only impregnating a jump-off and being tied to the hip to this person for the rest of your life? Nevermind the risks of diseases that threaten your life... the life you work SO very hard to achieve and attain... the life in which you and your family have struggled to put you thru school and the hard work you've put into becoming WHO YOU ARE (whoever you are), all so that either
a) you contract a life-threatening disease or
b) procreate a child that was not conceived in love but in passion (or maybe just inebriation) that you now have to begrudgingly break bread for.
I'm not understanding this rationale at all. Help me somebody. If the argument is that you're ready to start a family and have a "mini-me" because lots of you secretly are looking forward to that, how about actually procreating with someone you love and trust (preferably a wife... hello!) and at the very least, someone you want to be with for a LONG LONG LONG time. But no, the maybe baby is never carried in the womb of a true love... No, the maybe baby is the secret... the dark cloud... the game-changer (literally)... the little life that remains hidden until one of two things happens.
Now, in my experience the maybe baby's existence arises either...
a) when said jump-off's relationship ends with her normal lover and she has to quit passing the pregnancy off as his but rather, needs to confess that you are indeed "that baby's daddy" because she now needs a new sponsor for this child
and/or
b) when said jump-off discovers the opportunity for financial gain by announcing the existence of said maybe baby. this typically happens once baby-daddy gets drafted or signs a large contract... when baby daddy comes into substantial financial gains... Now, in the situations that I am aware of, it is argueable and even likely that said jump-off ALLOWED babydaddy to forgo usage of profilactics and welcomed the insurgence of his "little soldiers" because said jump-off's sixth-sense knew that financial gains might be in the future, and thus she could come-up thru producing a "dependent".
Either way, baby daddy has no one to blame but himself because in 72% of these "maybe baby" cases, baby daddy stands to be the one with more at-stake. Also, at the risk of sounding like I'm excusing trifling jump-offs, let me say this.
Our eggs are ever-present, meaning we dont "bust an egg"... Yet, men have the voluntary (or involuntary depending on how you look at it) fertilization equipment and thus, must decide how to handle such powerful equipment. We dont feel the burst of elation coming, MEN DO. Therefore, since we dont control it and you do, you "eligible black bachelors" should take more care in protecting and maintating the equipment. I am a firm proponent of using protection at ALL times. Never been much of relying solely on BC because BC doesnt prevent HIV. *hmph!* But at the very least, as it relates to this post, if you cant contain your soldiers then it would seem logical that the next step is to stock up on condoms! We dont yank the sperm out, you SHOOT it our way. So if your aim is bad... or too strong... or whatever, wrap it up for Pete's sake!
Anyhoo~~~ enough of me griping the fellas out. I have a beef to pick with these jump-offs that wind up in this situation.
HOW IS IT that you can carry a child without knowing WHODABABYDADYIS? I say this because most 'da time, the jump-off truly isnt 100% sure WHO fathered the child and its (better?) to wait until the child is born to find out. I've known people who wanted to see who the baby looked like first before they confessed either way about the true parentage, AS IF looks are the proof. Like, HOW MANY men let their cup runneth over in your business? And after you come to a numerical value, please explain WHY that was a good idea???
All in all, I'm just disgusted that of the last 7 years, the last 4 guys that I've had slight interest in, ALL 4 had "maybe baby" situations. All 4 were successful men without any previous children and all the jump-offs were women that they weren't involved with. I could almost excuse it if it happens with someone you love and then comes back around once the relationship is dissolved but still, it burdens me.
It burdens me that while I'm doing all I can to be responsible (not just in not making children out of wedlock, but also by protecting myself from disease), men that I would otherwise be interested in long-term are being careless with their decisions. And while the Bible teaches us to forgive and not be judgmental, I would be the one left with the decision of whether I want to sign up for "him and his baby mama"s issues... I'm the one making compromises because he couldn't see that his future was more important than 4 minutes of going raw-dog. Its not fair. There's a whole nother angle to this... the child thats being created outside of a 2-parent household... the child in the middle of these issues... the child thats suffering even though he/she doesnt ask to be here or put into this situation... and maybe I will come back and address that angle later.
The point though is that I and my peers, other single, successful, eligible bachelorettes, are sick and tired of having to be "understanding" of "maybe baby" drama. Its not fair that we fall in love with you only to discover well AFTER the fact that you have mystery seeds scattered elsewhere. Its not fair that in this relationship and life that we've built together, you are now introducing an entirely NEW dynamic of a new child and woman with which we must deal with regardless of how uncomfortable it might be... And why do we deal? Because we LOVE YOU. But oh, what we really wish...
Is that you would love YOURSELF enough to protect yourself against disease and unwanted pregnancies and consider what either of those dynamics would mean to the future love of your life
Be safe. Be easy. Be blessed.
SG
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TOPIC SUBMITTED BY: ALEXIA McWHINNEY (HOUSTON, TX) THANKS A TON LEX!!!
GOT A TOPIC? SEND IT TO SUMMERGALVEZ@GMAIL.COM and I'LL POST IT!
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5 comments:
I LOVE IT.... it's about time we explored this phenomena in our community because it is occuring with increasing abundance. I see the effect of the maybe in my classroom daily... It's sad really... but this blog was hilarious!!!!!!!
I concur with all of these sentiments. Which is why I try not to date men with children...although i may make an exception for those who have kids and have been married and divorced. It's hard enough trying to get to know someone on their own merits without being tainted by the maybe baby's and baby mama drama. I choose not to engage. I don't wanna meet your kids and go on play dates...I don't wanna go to little Hakeem's soccer games. I am OUT. Men with children is just not what I'm looking for. If he has kids he must be exceptional in ALL other categories for me to entertain anything long term.
you know its funny because I used to say I wont date women with Kids then I did and that was a MISTAKE...then i realize that my sister has 2 beautiful kids that if she chose to be in a relationship that dude would be around "my kids". any child in my family is MY Child, it takes a certain woman or man to deal with that type of situation. By the grace of God I dont have any outside children, my seed came from marriage and love, that's not to say i haven't had the maybe baby scare.
at the end of the day, we as men get called out but the "black sex in the city women" is half the blame. Yall get successful, make money then say "screw it" and accept what the man gives you, let a nigga run up in you bare meat, cuz thats all you have on the line, the Black sex in the city crowd are also the women who are looking for love the most. i dont date ugly women, i dont care What anyone thinks, im that shallow but i also will give a woman a chance if she is somewhat cute, lol and will treat me half way decent. LOL..Fme,Feedme and put me to sleep..HAHAHA
I can't exactly put a finger on what made me the way I am, but my mom, or church, or someone put the fear of GOD in me regarding safe sex. I would NEVER "play football without pads". Being on "injured reserve" is not a good look.
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